Searching for Krishna consciousness and what I ended up with?

BHAKTI-BRINGA GOVINDA SWAMI, BHAKTIVIDYA PURNA SWAMI, SHIVARAMA SWAMI

“Just seeing these faces reminds me of Satan worshipers“

WARNING: Disturbing images of Isk’Con’s child molester
may offend some viewers. Discretion is strongly advised.

Searching for Krishna consciousness and what I ended up with?

My name is —– Devi Dasi, I am an initiated disciple of HH Indradyumna Swami, I was born and raised in Durban, South Africa. My father passed away when I was 6 months old. My mother struggled a great deal, with no assistance, to raise my brother and I.

I was involved in Krsna Consciousness from a young age, and was fortunate to get a lot of inspiration and fatherly attention from HH Indradyumna Swami during my youth and teenage years. HH B.B Govinda Swami was also very kind to me, and acted as my spiritual uncle. However, when I came of age they both distanced themselves from me somewhat, and our relationship became a lot more formal.

That transition was both confusing and painful for me, but over time I was able to understand and accept it. In 2000, through Govinda Swami, I met Bhaktividya Purna Swami (BVPS) in Vrindavan. I was inspired to hear about the Gurukula project, and later on that year I met BVPS again on the Polish Tour, attended all of his classes, and started inquiring more about what life was like in Sridham Mayapur. After the Polish Tour, I returned home and enrolled in a Bachelor of Law (LLB) program at the University of Natal.

After studying for a year, I grew more frustrated, and decided that I wanted to do something more meaningful with my life. After consulting with BVPS via email, I decided to move to Sridham Mayapur and assist with the development of a curriculum for the Bhaktivedanta Academy Gurukula. I wanted to do something to please Srila Prabhupada and this sounded like a worthy cause.

In Mayapur, I worked directly under BVPS. He encouraged me to adopt his version of vedic culture, and presented his views on: women, men, society, and the Mayapur community. He supported and praised my devotional efforts, and told me that I was the most useful disciple of his, amongst so many useless ones.

Specifically, BVPS told me that marriage was complicated, and that most men are untrained and lusty. He told me to dress more appropriately and cover my body from head to toe, by always wearing a sari and petticoat, always tying my long hair up tightly, and always covering my head with the pallu.

This was fairly standard for Mayapur, but he took it further and encouraged me to fully cover my face with my sari, when in public, like Rajasthani village ladies do when they are out. I was told it was a sign of shyness and chastity. My friends ridiculed me for doing it, but I was convinced of what BVPS presented, and so I carried on un-deterred.

BVPS then brought me closer into his working circle and we began to work together on writing a curriculum based on the Manu Samhita and other dharma – type sastras. BVPS expressed interest in understanding the energy between men and woman, and BVPS, his servant, and myself would often discuss topics until midnight in the Grhastha-area apartment he was staying in.

This all happened prior to the girl’s school getting started. In one of our late-night conversations, BVPS discussed the difference between “sensuality” and “sexuality,” and he mentioned that the feeling of an orgasm is equal to a sneeze, because the body freezes up and then relaxes. Being a young girl and inexperienced in the ways of the world, I often had no idea what he was talking about, but I would pretend to know and pay close attention, so that he would be happy with me.

As a child, I had learned that if the spiritual master is pleased with you then Krsna will be pleased, because the spiritual master is the representative of God. I had even learned that if a pure devotee touches you, that one becomes purified by that touch. More than anything, I wanted to please the spiritual master (BVPS), and by doing that to ultimately please Krsna.

After living in Sridham Mayapur for a while, I wanted to be married. When I subtly mentioned this desire to BVPS, he told me that I was too good for any man. I was bewildered by his response, but tried to accept it.

With time though, it was getting more and more uncomfortable for me to be unmarried. At the temple, local brahmacaris use to follow me around, and even try to inappropriately touch me. I told BVPS about this and he said that he would deal with the brahmacaris but that I should go and pray to Advaita Acharya to remove any extra sensual energy I have. BVPS said that my feminine energy was more than others and he said that Advaita Acharya is empowered by Lord Siva and can help me tone down my energy so that others won’t notice me as much. He taught me about eye contact, explaining how different energies come from the eyes, and he told me how to control that.

Then, some mothers expressed that their children needed more spiritual education, and so BVPS started running regular Mantra and Mahabharata classes with the community kids. These classes were open to both boys and girls. The mothers who sent their daughters appreciated the classes so much, and they requested him to open a school for girls. Soon after, BVPS requested me to start a girl’s gurukula, so that girls could also get an opportunity to study vedic culture in a traditional environment.

The first year of running the school was stressful and intense, but it was also a very rewarding experience for me. I didn’t have any formal teaching training, but I loved being around kids and BVPS said that as I learn I can teach. Whatever I learned from him with regarding vedic culture on a given day, I would then teach to the 5 girls we started with. Realising that they needed basic academics as well, I would also teach them whatever I remembered from my primary and secondary years.

I taught the younger girls (aged 5-7), how to read, write, and count.

After my CPO case in 2015, XXX dasi, one of my first students and a dear friend, told me that the first year of school had been amazing and she wanted to know what changed after that. At that time, I was not in an emotionally healthy enough space to share my full story with her. I also felt I was being unfairly treated by the CPO office and because of that I didn’t feel safe beginning to open up to them either.

However, recently (mid-December 2021), everything changed, when I found out about the sexual abuse that XXX dasi experienced at the hands of BVPS. Once I found out about that, I realised that I could no longer remain silent, because it wasn’t just about me anymore. Below is what happened to me in the early years of the school.

BVPS was my mentor and he trained me in all things vedic. He coached me with how to deal with parents, and he established every single policy we had at the girl’s school. Many parents were overjoyed to have somewhere for their girls to study. Unfortunately, some parents considered that the school freed them of all responsibility to personally parent their children.

When the school first opened, XXX dasi and I bonded almost instantly. I was 19 years old at the time and she was 13. After some months of being together in school, XXX dasi’s mother and father went abroad for many months to collect money, and whilst they were away she stayed with me and we grew even closer.

She had the absolute best attitude and it was such a pleasure to teach her, and even just to be in her company. She was incredibly bright, intelligent, and hard working.

At the time, BVPS was extremely involved in the development of the girl’s school. He wanted the school to operate from mangala arati until 6pm, 7 days a week, so that the girls would get a full gurukula experience, just like the boys had. Later on, he gave us some ‘luxury’ facilities though, like a fridge and AC unit, because he said that only men can survive extreme austerity.

In the beginning, the mothers who were more supportive, and who knew how to cook, would bring lunch every day. But then that gradually decreased and eventually stopped, as I think perhaps they got tired of doing it. Some of the mothers pushed for more academics, while others pushed for more spiritual activities. It was quite overwhelming for me.

One of the mothers told me that she couldn’t really respect me as a teacher because I was just a child myself, and that even her eldest son was older than me. Others told me they were praying to Krsna to give me the intelligence to be a better teacher. These ladies were mostly in their late 40’s, and even though they clearly understood my limited capacity, they still just dropped their daughters off to school each day and left me to figure everything out by myself.

BVPS could also see the pressure I was facing from some disgruntled, albeit uninvolved, mothers. He could see that I was floundering too. His response was to say that there were no qualified woman in the community to teach vedic culture to the girls, and that he would have to personally teach these things. He began by teaching me to how to cook, so that we weren’t dependent on the mothers for lunch, and also because he said that cooking is a great skill to have.

Cooking was new to me, and quite challenging to do under pressure. When I made mistakes BVPS would become extremely upset and use harsh words to correct me.

He started spending more and more time at the school saying that he had to show us the way. He taught mantra, philosophy, cooking, cleaning etc. At some point he started eating with us, and then shortly thereafter he started napping at the school after lunch as well.

By this point, the pressure of looking after the girls single-handedly, teaching and studying full-time, taking care of the administration, working on financial difficulties, dealing with unhappy parents, and internally desiring to be married, overwhelmed me. I started to have panic attacks and intense stomach aches. It all just became too much for me to handle.

BVPS encourage me to respond to the pressure by becoming stronger and more callous towards the outside world. He would explain to me in detail how to talk strongly and what to say to parents. He praised me and said I was protecting the gurukula and vedic culture. Being recognized and praised by him made me feel better about the difficulties I was facing. He was a senior sannyasi and leader in the movement, and I thought that I was pleasing Srila Prabhupada by following all of his instructions, even if they put me at odds with some in the community.

BVPS gradually started spending more and more time with me, after school was over for the day and after the girls had gone home. He would advise me on how to improve the school, how to preach to the mothers, and also how to train the girls in chastity etc. The girl’s school became more and more insular during this time. BVPS put a huge fence around the campus to protect the girls from pilgrims and outside onlookers.

All our windows always had the curtains drawn so that things were more private. One day I had an unbearable pain in my stomach which I think had been caused by stress and anxiety. I was laying down on the mattress after the morning mantra class. BVPS asked me what was wrong. I told him. He said he could massage my stomach with reiki to help with the pain. I was somewhat uncomfortable with this prospect, but was in a fair bit of pain and consented. I honestly didn’t think too much of it, especially because one of the mothers was right behind us in the kitchen.

But then, BVPS covered his hands with his chaddar whilst massaging my stomach, which seemed weird. I started to feel very uncomfortable by the way he was touching me, but I was in pain and convinced myself that it was just fatherly concern on his part.

That evening after school finished at 6pm, BVPS came over again. I was staying all alone in the big library building. After speaking for a bit, he again offered to massage my stomach with reiki and I got nervous and didn’t know what to say. I froze. He said to lay down on the mattress and he started massaging my stomach but then slowly after he started moving his hands upwards saying that maybe gas is trapped in my solar plexus. I didn’t say STOP or NO, or try to stop him. He then started touching my breasts. I was shocked by this, but he told me he was just exploring “energy.” He explained that as a teenager he had a girlfriend but was not interested in sexual intercourse, but that the sastras explain the “energy” of the breasts and that he wanted to understand it.

He asked if it was okay if he could continue touching me. I was stunned. I literally didn’t move. I felt paralysed. My mind was racing. I didn’t even think it was “abuse” really, until just recently, because he wasn’t being forceful or physically aggressive, but I felt so incredibly scared and uncomfortable. He said he was happy that I allowed him to understand better how the “energy” in the breasts work and that he was very pleased and thankful. At some point while touching me he suddenly grabbed his dhoti where his genitals were and ran off to the bathroom.

I had never had any sexual experiences prior to this and didn’t realise that what had happened is that he had ejaculated. He just said he had to pee. While laying there frozen, I panicked and cried, and panicked more, and then convinced myself it was all “in the sastras,” and it was nothing sexual, as he had so carefully explained to me. I felt foolish and petrified at the same time, but didn’t say anything. He left, and I took a shower and cried myself to sleep.

As the days passed by, BVPS started to read and study Kamasastra. He said it was for research purposes so he could explain sensuality and sexuality better to grhasthas because as a sannyasi he didn’t have much practical experience. He studied a lot on what to do and how to touch a woman’s breasts in order to give her the most pleasure. He would describe his findings like the use of gentle scratches, or soft rubbing of the nipples, and then he said the highest pleasure for a woman is if her breasts were sucked. He said he wanted to do all those things to me to see if the sastras were true. Again, I was stumped, scared, confused, and very afraid to say no, and also from his “gentle” presentation and use of sastra he assured me that his intentions were “pure.”

Although I felt horrible and strange inside, I did not stop him. I don’t know why. I was scared, but just went along with his ideas. His sexual exploration went on for many days. I was petrified of being labelled a slut. Bhavananda Prabhu already publicly referred to our school as a harem because it was all girls. And so with the sexual abuse I was now facing, which I did not acknowledge as abuse at the time, I was too scared to speak up and face being publicly ostracised by the Mayapur community.

I had been told to live all alone in the girl’s gurukula building because gurukula meant “place of the teacher,” so I had to live in the place where I taught. BVPS had a key and would come almost nightly. The toilet and hand pump facilities were all downstairs and outside and regularly there were snakes, frogs, rats, spiders etc, which I was so afraid of. In some twisted way I felt safe when he would come at night, and I would go down to use the toilet and take a quick shower because it felt safer that someone was at least upstairs and close by. I was so torn. On one hand the company he provided allayed my fears and anxiety, but on the other hand I was very confused and afraid of the sexual exploration he was doing with me.

Once, I finally got the courage to question what he was doing with me and why. He then convinced me that we were best friends, that we understood each other and that he can give me the best of both worlds, material and spiritual. Again, he emphasised that there was no need to get married to some useless man and suffer in married life. He felt I could get everything I needed from him. He said that our dealings were “more than normal,” but that others would not understand and would criticize, and even try to put a stop to it, so best to keep it secret. He also quoted stories from sastra showing how some elevated persons can deal intimately with women and not become agitated.

He mentioned that Ramananada Raya associated with young girls and massaged them, as well as the great personality Arjuna, who when disguised as a eunuch dealt very intimately with girls and never got agitated. He explained that it wasn’t lust, but just a deeper understanding of masculine and feminine energies. I was so inexperienced, young and very foolish, that I actually believed all the twisted sastric evidence that BVPS presented. He was so convincing that I started believing him and thought it was normal, and I also felt special and protected.

One time I injured my shoulder so I could not use the hand pumps to take a bath. BVPS found out and immediately offered to come over to bathe me. Before I could even agree, he had already come over and I felt so afraid and incredibly uncomfortable, but he assured me that there was no lust involved, and if I didn’t shower and get ready on time the mothers and community would think I was unqualified to head the school.

He would play on my fears and insecurities, and at the same time I was getting all this love and attention which I desperately wanted. It was a very confusing situation and I started getting more and more psychosomatic illnesses: intense stomach pains and asthma. Several times at night, I had anxiety attacks and once it got so severe that my friend Radha Madhava Dasi had to come over late at night and do mouth to mouth resuscitation on me because I had stopped breathing and passed out.

She and her husband Subheksana Prabhu then rushed me to Krsnanagar Hospital and I was put on an IV drip. I don’t exactly remember when, but at some point BVPS wanted to explore more than breast touching and then he started touching my vagina and asking me to touch his genitals. I didn’t know anything about sexual dealings, so he showed me how to masturbate him. As soon as he reached the point of ejaculation he would grab his penis because he said that losing semen was not good for his tejas. He said brahmacaris should never lose semen as it makes them weak.

He would then rush off to the bathroom, and wash himself carefully. He said to always also wash one’s feet and that we must always remain clean after such activities so that ghosts won’t attack me when sleeping. He encouraged me to always bathe after, to remain suci.

He would even put his woolen chaddar on the mattress before touching me so that the sheets would not become contaminated. He insisted it was still all about the exploration and understanding of “energy,” as described in the sastras. Once he asked if he could put his penis on my breasts to see if he felt any different sensation. The next day he told me that he thought about it a lot and it was wrong for him to put his penis on my breasts because paramatma lives in between the breasts so it was offensive to the Lord sitting there, and therefore he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that to me again. The next thing he wanted to explore was oral sex but he said that he will do it to me but I should not do it to him because chaste women never put dirty things in their mouths.

He also said that the sastra says that if a woman swallows any semen she will lose her sweet singing voice and he wouldn’t want that to happen to me. I felt more and more and more disgusted with him and myself. I felt ashamed — and afraid. I often felt like jumping in the Ganga to finally end my pain. I couldn’t see any way out. I woul profusely pray to the Deities to help me and night after night I would cry myself to sleep. I was dependant on BVPS for everything.

My service, my position as head of the school, emotional and mental health, and the way I was maintained financially, everything. He would also buy me lots of nice saris and ornaments and paid for all my travel expenses and visas etc.

Later, I saw that when Ahladini Mataji spoke up about her inappropriate relationship with Pankajangari prabhu, I witnessed how she was treated and ostracized and abused by the local Bengali community.

That again convinced me to remain silent at all costs. I was too scared of being attacked by BVPS supporters. Since childhood, XXX dasi had a very affectionate relationship with Pankajangri Prabhu. She would get tight hugs from him called ‘pancakes’ and one time I saw him put a burfi in his mouth and he told XXX dasi to also take a bite whilst it was still in between his lips.

These things were not normal at all but I was trained to think that they were, so I also thought that what BVPS was doing to me was “okay.” I always tried to understand whether it was normal, or sensual, or sexual. My view was so warped at the time that nothing made sense and I was consumed and silenced by fear.

One time after the GBC meetings HH Sivarama Swami came over to the girl’s school for lunch. Sivarama Swami arrived earlier than expected and BVPS was still cooking in the kitchen with me. It was hot in the kitchen so BVPS was bare chested, without a chaddar or uttariya on. Sivarama Swami got very upset at BVPS and spoke very heavily to BVPS saying that it was completely inappropriate for a sannyasi to be in that situation with a young lady, and instructed him to immediately stay away from the girl’s school.

I was literally shaking thinking that now I will be in serious trouble and lose everything, but another part of me was secretly hoping I did. BVPS left when all the other GBC members left but later that evening he returned. I was petrified and BVPS said that Sivarama Swami did not understand BVPS’s mood and good intentions. He emphasised that all he was trying to do was train the girls but others didn’t have the vision to see it.

For whatever reason, I can’t remember exactly, but this was a turning point for me. I started thinking that perhaps everything that was going on was actually wrong. That I was being manipulated and used. I thought that if Sivarama Swami got so upset by seeing BVPS cooking with me how would he react to the other dark secrets.

This sexual and emotional abuse I experienced kept on going for some years. I think around 4 to 5 years or starting around 2004 or so, all the while with the philosophical justifications and the putting down of other men when I expressed my desire to be married. Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I survived. I was so broken. Even now in this present moment, as I’m writing this report, while my kids are asleep, I’m suddenly having to run to the bathroom to throw up and I’ve suddenly gotten severe diarrhoea.

My head hurts, I feel worthless and empty. It happens automatically, just by thinking of what happened. Back then, this used to happen all the time too, almost daily. My coping mechanism was — to make myself appear externally very strong, as BVPS had trained me to. The daily sexual abuse made me irrational and unstable though.

I would lash out at the simplest of things like milk being spilt or lunch being late. I was so disgusted with myself and felt very low and physically weak, and I coped with it by treating others poorly. BVPS began speaking very harshly to me about all the internal pain I was experiencing. At that time my intelligence and better judgement was completely clouded, or maybe even non-existent. I expressed time and again to BVPS how much I was suffering, but he said it was normal to feel like this and that with time it would pass, as Krsna is Time.

He encouraged me to remain silent.

I was basically a physical and emotional wreck. My relationships with the girls started getting strained as I started being very heavy with some of the older girls, especially XXX dasi. They did not deserve such unfair treatment and I always felt so sad in my heart afterwards. I was incredibly isolated and alone. If anyone tried to point out to BVPS any flaws with me or the school he would immediately shut them down.

Many, many devotees, including seniors saw that things were not proper but they were all too scared to speak up to BVPS. BVPS kept convincing me that I did not need to marry as all my desires could be fulfilled as long as we kept everything a secret. I was getting more and more sick. I guess my mind and body were shutting down.

Again, I was hospitalised.

BVPS’s close god-brothers started to pressure BVPS to distance himself from me and the girl’s school but he wouldn’t. I was labelled a sannyasi lover and this led to more repressing of what had happened, and I was afraid I would be sent back to South Africa. I don’t know why I was afraid of this, maybe because the truth hurt so much, and that I wouldn’t be able to face my mother. BVPS ensured me that would never happen and he would even consider giving up his asrama to protect me and the school. Little did anyone know what was actually happening to me.

He pointed out that in ISKCON it’s always the woman’s fault. This led me to become even more afraid and secretive. Another point that comes to mind, although I’m not sure of the exact timeline because some of these things happened like 19 years ago. Somehow, BVPS was always present even when the girls were sick and not properly dressed. I felt very uncomfortable with him being there and asked him to leave but he wouldn’t. He insisted that he was only there to help since he had more experience dealing with sick children.

I felt powerless that I could not stand up to him. Then, he also wanted us to study Thai massage. For a whole week he could barely walk because he suffered from pain in his sciatica, so he would get us to massage his sciatica. He would show us how to massage. He said it was purely medical and a good skill to have and practice. I felt sorry for him because he looked like he was in genuine pain. It made me extremely uncomfortable though, and I didn’t feel it was right at all, but I had bought into what he taught.

I was so influenced by him, that I believed every single thing he said.

I then started desperately seeking out a husband who I thought could rescue and protect me. I realised how alone I was and thought that I would kill myself if I couldn’t escape the pressure, the sexual exploitation, the philosophical manipulation explanations… Everything.

My now husband once again visited Sridham Mayapur at some point and I begged his father, Naresvara Prabhu and BVPS (they are best friends) to get me married to him. Finally, because of the outside pressure, BVPS agreed. After years of having tried to convince me otherwise. Before marriage BVPS convinced me not to have kids which meant not to have a sexual relationship with my future husband. He re-iterated how gross and overrated sex was, even though he hadn’t ever had sexual intercourse.

I had to convince my future husband that I didn’t want kids which he fought me on it for a while, not knowing my real intentions, but finally after many phone conversations he understood that I would be a good wife to him so he agreed, and then BVPS gave his approval. I would have agreed to anything just to be free. I thought marriage would free me.

My husband was so kind and supportive I finally felt like a human again. As our relationship developed, I learned about the awful childhood experiences my husband had gone through. He was put in gurukula at the tender age of 4 years old. He was first sexually abused at the age of 6 in the New Govardhan Gurukula and then he was moved to the Mayapur Gurukula at the age of 8.

From age 8 to age 12 again he was sexually abused by the older boys and teachers, brutally raped in the bathrooms, left with a bleeding backside and then fed soya subji as a bribe to keep quiet. He was made to perform oral sex on older boys and was fondled by teachers. He was caned by BVPS and other teachers. He was beaten with sticks by senior monitors and punched and slapped around like a punching bag by a group of older boys who circled him.

Once because he did not wake up for mangala arati, his teacher Radhe Shyam das threw him into the pukur (pond) while he was inside his sleeping bag, asleep. He woke up under water gasping for air, grabbing and searching for the hole in the sleeping bag, so he could swim out. He thought he was going to drown. When he was 11 years old he lost his right eye from swimming in dirty water. He only received medical attention weeks after walking around half blind.

He had infective arthritis in his knee and could not walk for some weeks, again after not receiving medical attention until it was too late.

Because of all the horrible inhumane abuse he was put through in ISKCON schools, after completing high school, and getting a university degree in health science he came back to Mayapur Dham to help improve the boy’s gurukula.

Years after my husband and I were married, I found out that BVPS had put enormous pressure on my husband during our engagement. BVPS told him that he should not touch me as I was too pure and would freak out with anything sexual. It is so insane that BVPS would say such things knowing how he himself was sexually abusing me. My husband believed him and kept a noticeable distance from me.

I became convinced that I was worthless and unattractive. I thought he wasn’t at all attracted to me just as I was told over the years by BVPS how strange men are, but later on I came to know that he was also coached by BVPS to behave in a certain way towards me. This led to so many problems in our marriage. Even after I was married, BVPS still tried to touch me until one day I finally found the courage and threatened him that I would tell my husband if he didn’t stop.

I thought I would get married and my husband would rescue me. But he had no idea what was going on and came into the situation getting coached by BVPS as well.

BVPS had stopped his sexual abuse of me, which gave me some relief, but out of fear I still kept the abuse secret from everyone, including my own husband.

Still, after getting married, my husband and I were able to get BVPS away from the school and stop him from teaching the girls. We got more qualified teachers involved. We had regular teacher meetings to discuss how to improve the academic classes. We changed the long schedules, and included more holidays and created a school board, consisting of different teachers/parents.

Unfortunately, I was still haunted by all the severe trauma, and constantly functioned in a flight and fight mode. From a school’s perspective things started to improve. But this was also the time when things with XXX dasi and I worsened. Because she was a senior girl,XXXXX, other girls saw how poorly I treated her and it disturbed them.

Because I was so troubled, I took my pain out on others, and became cold and heavy with the girls for any infraction. I felt so at fault and so dirty and still had to cry myself to sleep at night. It was still so intense. I felt I couldn’t tell my husband what I had been through. I was afraid of persecution, we had no money, no home, and simply served the gurukula. I felt obligated to the girls as well. I tried my best to love and treat the girls as my own children, but looking back I can see clearly how my un-processed trauma negatively impacted all my interactions with others.

My relationship with XXX dasi had originally been good. In fact, she saved me many times, as when her mother was away she stayed with me at the school and BVPS would not come at night to abuse me.

Sometimes I would even lie to BVPS and say that XXX dasi was staying over, even when she wasn’t. I only found out what XXX dasi went through a few months ago, and now that I know I can see why she started drifting away from our relationship. At the time, I had thought it was solely because of her mother or her rough marriage, and I started lashing out at her, because I felt abandoned by her.

After I got married, XXX dasi started to get very sick and her mother started blaming me saying that I was over-working her. XXX dasi had stomach issues (only after many tests did we find out that she had a huge tapeworm), she couldn’t hold any food down, and was in a lot of pain.

Her mother was upset at me and I reacted poorly to it, and i spoke very harshly to XXX dasi too. I regret this tremendously now, and even at the time I knew it was wrong. I apologised to XXX dasi years later, but it was too late and she was too hurt.

Because of the trauma I went through, and my own pain, I treated her very harshly and very unfairly. This was one of the GREATEST mistakes of my life, and I will always regret it.

I think XXX dasi’s health issues must have started around the same time that BVPS started abusing her. I can’t say exactly for sure, because I only found out a few months ago that she had even been abused. I had always thought that it was only myself that was abused and that no one else suffered this shame but myself.

Maybe when BVPS stopped abusing me, he began abusing XXX dasi. If I had spoken up when it happened, then BVPS wouldn’t have been able to hurt XXX dasi. Because of my cowardice and silence, she suffered abuse, and when I found out last year in December 2021, what BVPS had done to her, I was filled with a rage like I had never felt in my life, and I wanted to attack him.

Then, for 2 days I was in complete shock, I didn’t eat, sleep, or drink. And then shortly after that, when I could not hold onto the guilt, shame, and pain any longer, I tried to hang myself. My husband had no clue about what BVPS has done to me and he took it very hard. He was in so much shock that he had a mini-stroke and passed out while driving on the highway. I thought we would crash because he lost all control in his hands, legs and face.

With my help, somehow we managed to pull the car over to the side lane. I jumped out of the car on a six-lane highway, waving my hands in the air, shouting for help.

No one stopped and my husband started frothing at the mouth and his eye started rolling backwards. Both he and I thought it was the end. Then, I don’t know how, but a car finally stopped and it was a miracle, because the man who stopped to help us, was not only an ISKCON devotee but also from my Mum’s Namahatta group, so he had my Mum’s phone number and he called her and called the ambulance.

My husband was rushed to ER and stabilised. Several tests were conducted. The specialist then talked to me in a private room and insisted that we find some way to reduce his stress and anxiety level because he felt that another episode would be the end. Once we got home, we lived in complete agony for days. I again started counselling sessions as I felt like I was at the breaking point. My young kids were now also being severely affected by watching their parents fall apart from past traumas.

My 3 year old daughter started having nightmares and refused to go to sleep until 1am. My 8 year old son started acting up too and would cry out aloud profusely for anything and everything. My mum then stepped in and sheltered our kids with bucket loads of love and support. After a week or so they calmed down and settled again. My husband and I then had to externally lead a more “normal” life, for the well-being of our children.

We spoke about my experiences late at night when the kids were asleep. It was torturous to re-live it all. It was then that I found out that my husband had known something about what happened between BVPS and XXX dasi. He told me that XXX das, had come to him and told him that BVPS had touched XXX dasi’s breasts. My husband explained to me that he understood that she had been an adult at the time it happened. He said that he asked XXX dasi and XXX das if they wanted to report it and they had said no, that they will deal with it without involving the authorities.

When I confronted my husband, and asked him why he didn’t tell me, he said I was going through so much with the CPO case that he thought it would have broken me. He also explained how he followed up with XXX dasi and XXX das for a couple of years asking how they were dealing with it and they said it was difficult but they were trying to move forward.

Through this whole time BVPS was always around during XXX occasions and functions. At one point my husband told me that he asked XXX das and XXX dasi how they put up with having him around lunch and serving him etc.

They said they were fine. But then again, I seemed “fine” for the last 20 years, even though I was far from it. My husband should have publicized what BVPS did when XXX das told him, but it wasn’t his call, it was theirs. And his general tendency has always been to cope with trauma by suppressing and burying it, because he had to in order to survive the insane violence and abuse of his childhood.

I am still torn and conflicted about writing this testimony. I have been through so much, and I’ve put others through so much, that it seems like there’s no way to fix everything. I know that I at least need to speak the truth now, even though I understand that the abuse I suffered won’t be dealt with by the CPO because I was a 19-20yrs old when it started.

I am heartbroken to know that BVPS hurt someone else, and I hope that sharing my story will help in some way. When the CPO case came up against me in 2015, I was pained by how the case was handled. The judges didn’t speak with me even once, before pronouncing a life – time ban. It seemed unjust, and I didn’t even know what I did wrong. No details were shared with me.

Vague scenarios, but nothing specific. We tried to appeal, but I had to ultimately just surrender to everything. I felt I had wronged XXX dasi and the other girls though, and therefore I felt I deserved to be punished. I lost my service, my friends, my reputation, everything. I was publicly ostracised through social media and felt worthless and useless.

I sometimes wonder that, if the CPO had actually interviewed me with some professionalism and compassion, my story would have maybe come out then.

I tried to make amends with those whom I knew I hurt. I called every mother who had their daughter in school and begged for forgiveness. Some accepted my apology, but others didn’t. It was heavy to hear, but I accepted it as part of my purification. I also read a public apology to both the teachers and parents in the last school meeting. I contacted some of the girls in person and others over the phone and asked for forgiveness. I did what I could. I went to counselling and was put on medication to help me sleep and sleep without nightmares.

I read the entire Srimad Bhagavatam and Caitanya Caritamrta and chanted 64 rounds a day, and daily recited the Narasimha Stotra. Since I was accused of emotional and verbal abuse I spent time researching it, to better understand what it actually meant. I spoke with social workers and licensed teachers to understand my mistakes were and how to could take responsibility for them. I tried my best to heal by following both a proper material and spiritual process.

I pray that one day I can make amends for the mistakes I made by being too harsh to my students. I pray my husband can become whole again, despite having been so betrayed by ISKCON. I pray that neither him nor I become bitter and leave the society, even though we were betrayed by its leaders. I pray for spiritual guidance from respected elders, and that I can once again be meaningfully engaged in service for the pleasure of Srila Prabhupada. At this point in my life, I understand that I can’t do anything related to children’s education.

But I do want to be engaged in service, so that I can heal and develop more love for Krsna.

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